Take a Break
In my last post, I wrote about my struggle maintaining balance and consistency in my workouts and overall health. Life got in the way; I didn’t have a clear vision for myself, I focused on the wrong goals, and I became overwhelmed by objectives that I failed to effectively tackle. My health and fitness suffered as a result. I needed to take a hard look at my life, figure out what I wanted out of it, and how to move forward. It took a lot of time and resources, but it was necessary.
I happened to take a break for a while, and spent a lot of time asking myself why I was doing what I was doing. In this piece, which will serve as an introduction to a series on identifying your mission and vision, setting goals, tackling objectives, and navigating your way through life, I’ll be touching on what might have been the most important move I made; stopping what I was doing and taking the time to clear my head and assess what I was doing and why.
Stop and Think
There’s this old adage, that if you’re working on something for a while and you get stuck, the best thing to do is to get up, walk away, and take a break. It’s always worked for me, and it’s o coincidence; it’s rooted in science!
I always recommend pausing, taking a breath, and considering why you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing once you’ve reached the point where you’re just spinning your wheels. If you’ve gotten yourself into a negative cycle, just stop, you’re going to do more harm than good if you keep pushing.
Now, I’m kind of a thick head. If I listened to my own advice (or to my partner, but that’s another matter) I’d be a man of great wealth and importance, likely a champion powerlifter, well dressed, well read, and richly cultured; lousy with beautiful women, and revered amongst men. Instead here I am.
I realized that I had a habit of pushing relentlessly in the wrong direction until I exhausted myself, and it was a revelation. It took a long time and a lot of help to figure that out, but it has been completely life changing. It’s easy to let the “lizard brain” take over; that deep survival instinct that triggers the anxiety, the panicked repetition of action doomed to fail. The great thing though, is we’re not lizards. We’re humans. We have big, brilliant brains, and we need to use them.
I think there is a lot of misinformation out there about grit, about pushing through no matter what, about challenging the impossible, being tough. I’m not saying these things are bad. On the contrary, grit is vital to success. Work ethic, effort, mental and emotional toughness, and pushing your boundaries are absolutely critical. When I say stop and take a breakI do not mean give up! Giving up is not an option. But sometimes pausing is.
You don’t need to “just keep at it”. In fact, it’s pretty pointless to just keep at it when you're not making progress. Always challenge your assumptions, always ask why. I’m willing to bet that 90% of the time, when you’re stuck, when you think something is just plain impossible, you’re not thinking critically. You’re not asking yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. You’re not Odds are you don’t have a clear sense of vision for yourself, you have an ill-defined mission, your goals are completely out of whack, and you’re creating work for yourself that has no purpose and is not going to get you anywhere you want to be.
Ask Why
Why was I so hell-bent at lifting 315lbs on the bench at the expense of a balanced and healthy training regimen?
Why was I spending hours and hours and hours trying to network, applying for jobs, and going on interviews for roles that I knew were not a fit?
Why was I going on unfulfilling Tinder dates, and getting down on myself when I didn’t meet the right “one”?
I couldn’t answer any of that. Not in a meaningful, honest way. I’d ask myself why, or friends would ask me why, or a coach would ask me why and I’d say, I want to be strong, I want to make money, I want a girlfriend. That was all nonsense.
The real truth is way more complicated, and way more difficult to face:
I was unhappy with where I was in life. I didn’t know where I was going, I was unfulfilled in my work, and I had a low self opinion. Being able to press 315 was the easiest way for me to prove to myself and others around me that I was strong, I was capable, and could achieve something. When I stopped making gains toward that goal, it wasn’t a failure of programming, or conditioning, or consistency. It was a personal failure, and it was crushing.
I was applying for jobs and going on interview after interview with no success because I had thought all I cared about was money. I had convinced myself that, a) money was the objective, and b) money is the only acceptable measure of success. I would get caught up in the mindset that I needed a “good job”, (something that looks good on LinkedIn, with a 401k and benefits and a nice title) and I’d convince myself that the only way to achieve my goal of making money was to suck it up, keep my head down, my mouth shut, and work my way up from the bottom. Eventually something would fall into place. That’s what the people who are the boss and make a ton of money want us to think, and let me tell you something; it’s all bullshit. I didn’t understand that at the time. I wasn’t thinking about the resources at my disposal, I wasn’t thinking about all of the skills I’ve acquired, my innate ability, my strengths and my weaknesses. I wasn’t looking critically at my situation. I didn’t really know why I wanted money. My lizard brain simply took over and said, “you want money but you’re not making money; FREAK OUT! Send out resumes until your eyes fall out! Message everyone on LinkedIn until your soul dies!” When I didn’t get the call, or the offer, or the offer I wanted, it wasn’t a failure of strategy, it wasn’t that I was looking in the wrong places or more importantly, chasing after the wrong livelihood, it was a personal failure, yet again. And it was crushing.
Finally, after what felt like years of feeling lonely, going on countless uninspiring dates and swiping endlessly through Tinder, I hadn’t found anyone that was the right fit. I wanted a girlfriend because I was lonely, because I didn’t feel comfortable just being with myself and being in my own skin. Again, it was that lizard brain saying “you’re alone, nobody wants you, FREAK OUT!”. Instead of taking the time to stop, breathe, and take an inventory of my situation, I ran to the dating apps and it sucked. When I didn’t enjoy the date, when I didn’t get the second date, when I wasn’t interested, it wasn’t because I was forcing myself to do something I wasn’t feeling, it wasn’t because I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself, it was because there was something wrong with me, because I was ugly, or not enough, or too much; it was a personal failure, yet again, and again, it was crushing.
So what did I do about all of this?
I stopped.
I thought about the resources at my disposal.
I thought about why I felt the need to do what I was doing.
I reassessed my motivations.
I breathed.
I stopped pushing myself towards an unnecessary and unbalanced workout goal: I’m not in a bench pressing contest, I’m just trying to be healthy. I reassessed my motivations. I realized that I wasn’t going to be motivated to work out consistently unless I got my head right, believed in my abilities, and figured out my priorities. So I took the time to do that. Lifting has taken on an entirely new feeling now. It’s not a fight with myself anymore, it’s satisfying, and it feels balanced and healthy. My body feels good. My body feels strong. My body feels powerful.
I stopped applying to jobs that were a bad fit. I stopped responding to recruiters that disregarded my skills, experience, and knowledge, and disrespected me and my time. I worked with an incredible coach. I applied for a graduate program, I turned down the graduate program, I tried things, explored, learned, and kept asking why, over and over. I worked with another incredible coach. I kept digging. I knew I wasn’t going to realize my potential any other way, so I stared all the ugly truths in the face and made a very tough decision. Now I’m a business owner. Now I get to put all of my skills, knowledge, abilities, and aptitudes to work. In full. Every day. It feels right, it feels good. I’m doing what I’m meant to do, I can’t put it any other way.
I stopped going on dates that I didn’t want to go on. I stopped using the apps. I wasn’t in a rush, and I wasn’t going to cure my loneliness through someone else. I reassessed my motivations and realized that I could find satisfaction in spending time with friends, family and hobbies. I worked out, I cooked for myself and my friends, I read, I listened to music, I pursued graduate school in a subject I found fascinating. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. Whenever I felt compelled to put myself down, I’d make the choice to do something for myself instead. After a while, someone came into my life, completely out of the blue, and saw me. Saw the real me. Now, she has a remarkable ability to see people, but it’s also true that I opened myself up to being seen. I live with that person now, and am grateful for each day with her. It feels right, and it feels healthy.
I’ve been saying this from my first post, and I will continue to say this over and over; I am not special. I have no unique skills or aptitudes. I am no different or better than any other person out there in the world struggling to find themselves, struggling to love themselves, struggling to be healthy, a good person. We can all better ourselves. At the end of the day, I think it is very natural for us to get stuck, or to end up in situations that seem to be a never ending negative cycle. Our brains are hardwired to respond to stimuli and we live in a weird time where our brains are inundated with so much stimuli that it’s a wonder we can function at all. No kidding we get into unproductive, anxiety driven loops that burn us out. We need to be able to stop, breathe, and think through where we are and where we want to go, but to do that is to fight against a cultural norm of “buckling down”. Don’t listen to that garbage; it will only hold you back. Instead, take a moment for yourself, take as long as you need. Find your inspiration, figure out what you want and need, plot out how to get there, and make some moves.
Over the next few weeks I’ll dive into identifying and defining your mission and vision through what inspires and drives you. We will then explore goal setting techniques, planning, and how to make sure you tackle those goals.